The setting: It's the first day of 2015. I have the day off from work. It is also the day after I built a SWEET fort in my basement to surprise my husband with when he got home from work. It was amazing. We're talking full sheet walls, an actual mattress, a mountain of pillows, delicious snacks, the works. I know.
... In this fort of epicness and bacon-wrapped water chestnuts, I also included twinkle lights. If you don't call them that, they also go by the names 'Christmas lights' or 'Unknown Murder Bulbs'. Either or. We have the super intense ones, you know, the ones built to be inside OR outside so they are made of Wolverine's adamantium claws or something similar? Yeah. Those ones.
Anywho, I had them strung over the back of the couch, which I had turned around because FORT, and shoved into the crevice between the cushions and the equally adamantium-like frame of the couch. I thought, "Oh! Those look so pretty there! I'll leave them for days!"
This brings us to New Years Day.
I spent most of the day with my girlfriends, laughing it up, eating Chinese food, watching Bridesmaids (which will be funny and ironic later), Pitch Perfect, and select parts of Burlesque (I have a strange obsession with that one scene with the belting out and the police costume... chiiiiiills). Now, as with any good hang out, we inevitably got on the Youtube machine and began watching videos.
They introduced me to the video of the Two Virgins Kissing For The First Time At Their Wedding. Folks, I'll spare you having to watch it, because I will never be the same, and say that it basically looks like two large-mouthed bass(es?) making out. Those singing fish mounted on a wooden board in your Dad/ Uncle/ Grandpa's garage because they're funny? Picture two of those. It's... well... you've got the mental picture now, so you can understand it.
Anywho, upon watching this and cringing into whatever couch was closest, they came up with the brilliant idea that I should kiss my husband like that when I got home from girls night! Blair and I are ridiculous humans, and we have a similarly twisted sense of humor, so I figured it would be hi-larious. Hahaha.
I got home. The stage was set. Blair was in the basement fort playing Call of Duty. All I had to do was keep it together and play it cool. This was going to be a piece of cake! And one hell of an awful memory that would be laced with furrowed eyebrows and quizzical expressions that would be sure to bring a smile to our faces for many years.
I didn't really factor in my 'Alexandra-ness' until it was far too late.
I 'fwoomped' down onto the mattress beside him, trying to reign in my borderline hysterical laughter. I waited patiently for him to finish up his game. Then he turned to me with his usual adorable Blair smile and welcomed me home, asking how girls night went.
I gave him a giggle-free smile. I went in for the smooch.
I broke composure. I couldn't get it together enough to actually kiss him as terribly as the video I had seen. So instead, I pretty much just laughed against his face and did the WORST impression of it ever.
I couldn't stop laughing and when I saw his face, I lost it. I mean, huuuuge belly laughs. Important side fact: When I laugh reeeeeally hard at home, surrounded by pillows and the like, I tend to do a Whale Trust Fall at high velocity onto whatever surface is available.
Unfortunately for me, that surface was the back of the couch and the string of Murder-Death-Kill Bulbs that I had left up because they were 'pretty'.
After smoking my head against the demon-twinkles, I crumpled onto the mattress and it was Blair's turn to burst out laughing. He managed to ask if I was okay in between gasps of laughter. Once we had determined that I wasn't bleeding, and was most likely not in grave peril, he went upstairs and got me a bag of frozen peas, which I left IN THE BAG.
See? I told you the Bridesmaids watching would be ironic.
I stayed up until 3 AM that night, making sure I didn't show any signs of a bad concussion, and things seemed alright except for the macho headache. It wasn't until I was at work the next day trying to read my computer screen that I realized, 'Hey! Maybe I should go to the Doctor since my right eye keeps blurring?'
Yup. And I had to call my step dad to come and drive me. So, yet again, he and my little brother (who couldn't pass up the opportunity to have a good laugh) drove me to the dr, where it was discovered I had actually managed to get a Mild Concussion from falling like a whale in a pillow fort onto lights designed to be indestructible. He even asked, 'So... like the BIG Christmas lights, or...?' to which I was forced to shake my head and hold up an inch with my fingers.
Needless to say, not being able to read, watch TV, go on my phone, or drive kind of put a damper on the next four days.
So there you have it. The hero-ing tale of how I took my clumsiness to soaring new heights and started 2015 off with a bang (bah dum, chish!).
I hope that this gripping tale of love, suspense, whales, and bridesmaids has brought a smile to your face. Lord knows it has been a source of constant entertainment for my co-workers, who have thoughtfully offered to bubblewrap the Christmas tree at work since there are 'hazardous' lights on it. They've also started an 'Alexandra Helmet' fund. I've been informed a 'bubble' is in the works as well.
Happy New Year! :)