Thursday, January 9, 2014

Time For New Yearsness!

Well, isn't this familiar... 

I am ashamed that it's been so long since I posted. My god, I haven't posted since last year! (Aaaand cue cheesy symbol crash). No judging.

My goodness, life gets hectic around the holidays! I feel like I haven't had a chance to just chill out and relax in an age and a half. But that, of course, is a total lie. Yes, I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off around Christmas and New Years, but then afterwards I just laid around in my over-sized Dr. Who robe reading books, eating delicious things that include, but are not limited to, peanut butter marshmallow squares, and shnuggled my furbaby. It made me feel incredibly blessed that I was able to spend a little bit of time just being a part of my little family :) 

But I digress. 

The last week, I've been reading so many inspirational posts about the New Year and what that means to everyone. It can be something as simple as being kinder in life, to the cliche, yet somehow devastatingly difficult, 'Getting in Shape'. I want to do both. 

But I've decided to do things a little differently this year. 

I've decided that instead of making 'resolutions' that have this weird stigma to them, I'm going to make myself a few promises. They may seem small, juvenile, common sense things, but for me they mean a good deal more. I'm tired of making these grand resolutions only to find myself amidst a heartbreaking setback when they fall through. Perhaps I aim too high. Perhaps I let others create the need for what needs 'Resolving' in my life. 

And that's why I'm doing things differently. Because this year, I am going to focus on the things that will enhance my life, and not just satisfy the general masses and crushing swarms of public expectations. 

If I were a boy band, this would be me: 


THIS I PROMISE YOU. Only in this case the 'you' is, well, for myself. Things just got awkward. I will never be able to pull off turtle necks like they can. Sigh. Lance, I love you. Also, sidebar, I love how JT is just looking over like, "Dude, why aren't you vibing.VIBE."

Okay, SERIOUSLY. Someone get my away from the internet. I'm like a kid around something shiny. Or Dory.

But in all seriousness, these are the promises I'm making to myself. And it's on the internets now. So I mean it. 

I promise that I will start loving myself for who I am

I will no longer allow others to make me feel like I am less than wonderful. This will be a long process, seeing as even writing that statement was difficult, but I will learn to appreciate the great things I have going for me.  I will stop picking out the flaws I see in the mirror and focus instead on the things that make me my own person. For every bad thing I say to myself in my head, I will say three more positive things. I will correct the aversion I have to myself.

I will stop trying to look like the woman the media demands

If there's one thing that I learned in 2013, it is that the power of self confidence and self acceptance is an incredible thing. Jennifer Lawrence has been an insanely wonderful beacon for every girl out there who felt the need to airbrush their personalities along with their own individual beauty. To cover up what made them special. I know that there have been so many other brave women, and men for that matter, who have worked to obliterate the way we, as the public, perceive perfection. For each of us their words inspired, there are thousands more who need that embrace. But we will get there. I will get there. 

I will remove the negative influences in my life.   

I often sigh and shake my head when I read passive aggressive statuses on Facebook or Twitter. The vague statuses that, between the lines, are no more than a cry for someone to ask what's wrong. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, I'm just saying that if you really need to talk to someone about it, do. You'll feel better. We've all done it. Make that step. Talk to someone.

I have struggled my entire life with my own self worth, and I have had the most amazing support group of family and friends. I can't imagine who I would be without them. Well, I can imagine and trust me, it's a pretty depressing picture. But through all their support, they haven't been able to do the one thing I needed because, spoiler alert, they aren't actually me. I'm the only one who can remove the people who bring nothing but sorrow and heartbreak into my life. I have that power. No one else. And so this year, I will finally come into that power. The people who have continually shoved away my attempts at rebuilding relationships they ruined, who have given me nothing and expected everything, who have shown me nothing but the ugliest side of humanity, will be cut from this life of mine. 

I will reclaim the parts of myself that I sealed away. I will let myself heal from years of being made to feel insignificant. I am not insignificant. I am me. And I will be 100 percent who I am supposed to be. It may take a year, it may take a lifetime, but I'll be there. 

I will make my own dreams come true. 

For years, I have kept my own dreams a secret, never giving them air or letting them see daylight. I have sheltered them, I have watched them wilt, and I have brought them back to life again. This year, I will expose my dreams to the world. It may not have a grand effect or reach as many people as I want it to, but I will send out my dreams. I will be brave.

I want to be a writer. I want to see someone holding my story in their hands, watch their faces shift as they follow the world I've created through its paces, watch their hearts meld into each characters' hopes and dreams. That's what I want. I want this thing I've created to be read. I want to reach others and send them into a world that will (hopefully) feel as real and as palpable as this one. That will have them thinking about it long after they have closed its cover.

Growing up, that was how I dealt with the things I couldn't change. I let myself fall into the pages of a book, some so familiar and welcoming it was like being held by a friend, others so new and exciting that I burned through them in a night. That's what I want to offer the world. That's what I go to sleep dreaming about.

I will make more time for my family and friends. 

I am so incredibly guilty of not spending enough time with the people that matter in my life. I make plans, get excited, and when they fall through for one reason or another, as they often sadly do, I let myself slip. I let myself get complacent. But I need to make more time for these people that put up with me. That love me in all my idiosyncrasies. 

I have a beautiful God Daughter, an absolutely lovely niece and nephew, and a new little boy wonder (who I plan on giving mass snuggles to when Strep is no longer dominating my house). I am one hell of a lucky woman, but I feel like I've missed so much of their lives already. Anxiety fuels the fire, but I need to move past that. These are the children in my life, and they are all so exceptionally wonderful that not getting to know them more would be a great travesty in life. And a crime. 

I will be more thankful. 

I will be thankful for the house I live in. I am sheltered, warm, safe and dry, which is a good deal more than most people have. I have an amazing little family that I found all on my own. I have the greatest husband in the world; he is everything I would have asked for had I known myself well enough to ask. I am lucky to have that much love in my life everyday, and luckier still that he loves me as much as he does. 

I have a job that, while sometimes drives me crazy, makes me laugh. Is secure. Gives me benefits that so many don't see, and I will stop complaining about it. Mostly. Sometimes a good rant is in order, let's be realistic here. 

And just because I really have to... 

I will become a healthier human. 

When I say this, I'm not saying that I'm going to lose the most weight, or wear the size nothing pants, or never eat bacon again- THAT WOULD BE HORRIBLE. I simply mean that I am going to make an effort to be more active. To walk my dog more. To stop eating all of the junk food in my house at once because it's there, tempting me, and if I eat it in one go then it won't be there to tempt me anymore. We all use that logic. Don't lie. 

To make it so that my life will be a long, happy, healthy one, so that I can keep putting mushy stuff like this one the internet. 

These are the promises I am making to myself. These are the things that, hopefully, by next year, I will have a grasp on. 

Until then, I will work my kiester off at believing in myself and where I will go. 

That's enough cheese. 

Make yourself promises. Love yourself. This is the life you have, so make it count. 

Make this year the year that you become everything you are. Let yourself see it.  

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  1. Girl yes. You are a beautiful woman and you don't need to try and be anything but yourself! It's why I love you <3